The “SECRET” of Happy Couples

As we live amid the so-called “epidemic of loneliness”, finding a suitable spouse or partner can be a challenge.  Having achieved that milestone, keeping it going and realizing all the upside potential requires core values as well as specific communication skills.  Here’s some of the commonly acknowledged core relationship values: 

Damian Gadal, CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Photo by Damian Gadal, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

  • Trust: Everything good begins with trust. Trust is a dynamic process with a half-life subject to decay over time. It’s essential to establish, affirm, and re-affirm trust to the one that you love (could you even imagine a thriving relationship where one member of the couple says, “my partner is not trustworthy?”).  Keeping promises, maintaining fidelity, being accessible, safeguarding secrets, being there when needed, all serve to establish and maintain trust.  In Disney’s Aladdin, before Jasmine will step onto the magic carpet, Aladdin asks her, “Do you trust me?”, and only after she affirms trust, can the duo embark on their beautiful duet, “I can show you the world.”  Trust allows one to let down one’s psychological defenses.  Trust allows one to relax and feel loved and conserve energy instead of expending energy worrying about where the other is or what he or she is thinking or doing.

  • Respect: respect entails always knowing that one’s partner is a separate and autonomous human being, with important individual needs and beliefs. Respect means acknowledging and dignifying those needs and beliefs.  Respect means never taking the other for granted, never attempting to bully or shame or control the other.  Showing respect esteems and values and honors your relational partner.  Respect ennobles both the dignity and the autonomy of the individual, recognizing that even though the two of you are one couple, you remain individuals as well.  As Gibran wrote in The Prophet, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

  • Understanding/Empathy: understanding, or empathy, means trying to see the world through his or her eyes. We all have our own opinions and it’s not necessary to agree with a differing point of view. But understanding/empathy entails being able to see how and why it looks the way it looks to your beloved.  The more you understand, the less you will judge.  Regularly judging your loved one is generally toxic to a relationship. 

  • Communication/compromise: Nothing good happens when a couple stops communicating. Thriving couples communicate about positives including hopes, dreams, accomplishments, shared values, and fond memories. Healthy couples also communicate about negatives, including fears, worries, doubts, peeves, and disagreements, and do so in a way that starts with “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  Communication about feelings, not just about facts or plans, leads to intimacy and builds trust.  It nearly goes without saying, but communication leads to feelings of closeness and often to workable compromises as the couple better understands what each of you want, fear, or need most.  Another “C” word here is conversation.  Good conversation is a joy for all, fun, exciting, surprising, energizing and enhancing togetherness.  We are magnetically attracted to those with whom we have good conversations.  Good communication leads to good conversations which leads to a relationship that is more fun and fulfilling.
     
  • Effort: it’s generally true that nothing worthwhile is achieved without effort. Would you expect to be fit and strong without the effort required for regular exercise? Of course not.  Same with having a great relationship.  The rewards arising from a great relationship far exceed the effort required.  Have you put some effort into your relationship today, or were you too busy working on other priorities of yours? 

  • Spirit of Adventure: all these things – effort, respect, compromise – sound a bit serious, if not somber. But what we crave are the joys, the comfort, the security, the shared activities, the spirited conversations, the exclusive possession of the other’s heart, soul, and body. To experience those rewards and pleasures, we need to go through life with a spirit of adventure and zest.  Relationships are optional and voluntary; once you’ve signed up for it, it’s up to you to make the most of it.  Be bold, be adventurous, live large; as Gibran wrote, ‘for if you choose not to love, you will laugh, but not all your laughter, and you will cry, but not all your tears.”  

So there you have it.  Spirit of adventure, Empathy, Communication, Respect, Effort, and Trust.  The initials spell out “SECRET”.  The ‘secret’ formula for happy couples.  It’s worth mindfully meditating on these core values on a frequent basis; maybe checking in with each other to see how you’re doing on each. 

 

©2025 Larry H Pastor, MD